After The Will is Read, Who Gets the Good Stuff?

We’ve all had days where we wake up thankful for another day and then something happens, and then another something happens and your day has gone from sunshine to shit without warning. Some people crumble beneath the load, others somehow let it just pile up and yet still manage to keep their head slightly above it.

I have felt up to my neck in bs for the past two days and in times like these I wonder where the strength and perseverance come from. I know from past experience that God has carried me through many a storm and I know that he will always do that for no other reason than he truly loves me. Yet, this month not only being Breast Cancer Awareness month, but the anniversary of my mom losing the battle against cancer, I find myself thinking about how my mom is still carrying me. My mom had many amazing qualities that I see so much more clearly since I cannot see her. I began to wonder if when the ones we love leave their earthly homes for their heavenly ones where they want and need for nothing, are we somehow gifted with those qualities they possessed to help us survive without them? After the will is read, who gets the really good stuff?

My dad who had a charitable heart to begin with seems to have received my mom’s charitable qualities, as that can help explain him marrying into the family he did after my mom’s death. My brother, always full of enthusiasm and ideas must have had those traits increased after my mom’s similar traits were no longer needed. And I, no doubt, was blessed with her strength and ability to steady the course no matter how many pothole filled roads I travel. Thank you God for giving me that part of her ; and thank you Mom for having such an abundance of it. My mother fine tuned her strength well in her 60 years on this earth. Losing people so vital in your life changes you. Anyone who has been there can tell you that and the one positive in living life without my mom beside me is the changes it made in me. Since losing her, I feel as though I see people and the world around me more clearly. I am more likely to stop and think of how to handle a situation than to just attack it. Seems like I still screw that one up a good bit, but the hindsight is 20/20 now, and I can see the whole picture and not just my side of it.

Truth is my mom was a great lady, but I am not her. In fact those closest to me would tell you I have more physical likenesses with her than common personality traits. I don’t want to be my mom I want to be me. Just me, thankful for the parts of my mom in me that I recognize as pieces of her regardless of what anyone else sees. Even though she’s not physically with me, she’s still taking care of me, nurturing the parts of me that need growth and wisdom. Guess it’s true, we’ll always need our mamas.

All By Myself

The ladies in my neighborhood have taken to a regular evening walk at 7 p.m. It isn't always the same people but there is usually 5 or so. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I am often not home when these walks begin or just getting home, but truthfully that is not why I haven't joined it. And believe it or not, laziness is not the reason either. One of my favorite neightbors and I just had the following text chat:

Favorite Neighbor: You need to start walking with us. :)
Me: Nah. :) haha! I am not that sociable.
Favorite Neighbor: Whatever.
Me: Lol! Seriously. That's just too big a crowd. I walked last night at the track {in town}.
Favorite Neighbor: I like it. It keeps me motivated.
Me: It's at the end of my day when I need to wind down. I just can't do that with all those people. You know I'm 40 now... getting old and set in my ways. I do love you & {other favorite neighbor} though for asking. I just don't want to go with the whole neighborhood.
Favorite Neighbor: :) I understand. Just as long as you know you are wanted.
Me: Trust me, i don't feel left out :)

Now, I often wait for the walkers to pass before I go out of the house, because I don't want them to think a) that my feelings or hurt or that I think I wasn't invited. Like the kid that sits on the porch waiting for someone to ask him to play. Or b) I don't want to have to make up a lie that is more polite than the truth that my favorite neighbors accept, but others might see as snobbish.

A teen recently posted on Facebook how she feels so sorry for people she sees eating in restaurants by themselves and feels like she should go sit with them. I am one of those people. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to leave me the hell alone with my food, my thoughts and if I am really lucky my book or magazine. Quite simply, I like me. I like my company. There are times when I want to be around others, but just as many when I don't. I treasure my time to myself. I work around people. I live with people. I usually have someone in the car with me, Heck, I even sleep with someone's heavy ass arm thrown over me. So if I get time to be with just me, I treasure it like gold!

Granted, I do need motivation to exercise and therefore, will walk with one or two people. Generally, close friends so we can have time to talk without the interruption of children or husbands. We can look like crap and talk crap without having to be "on" or polite to those who don't know us as well. I have often said, I don't want new friends. I have said it as a joke, but now that I am 40, I see truth in it. It's not that I want to be unfriendly but I want to be me. The energy to be anything else has passed. Some understand that, some don't. I've got about 40 good years left... not long enough to explain it to those who don't.

So maybe I am a bit of a snob. Maybe I am not as friendly these days, but so what.... "I'm still a Rock Star! I got my rock moves..." Sorry. I find myself bursting out with a good P!nk lyric more often these days. Which is much better than Celine Dion. "All by myself... don't wanna be all by myself". What's wrong with her? Nothing wrong with being all by yourself, if you like yourself. So go pile your booty up in a restaurant by yourself and enjoy yourself with yourself. Marilyn Monroe once said "I restore myself when I am alone." I believe that is what you have to do to be around others sometimes. Who knew a dumb blonde was so wise. But I leave you with words from the the wisest advice giver of all; "It is far better to be alone, than wish you were." -Ann Landers.

Befriending Your Elders ; )

I cannot believe I have not blogged since November! Usually someone has to say something to me to inspire me to write. Things are always said to me that inspire me in one way or another; I just haven’t wanted to write a rant lately. Yesterday though, someone did say something that made my thoughts start rolling, so here goes.

A lady was talking to me about some mutual friends we have and she said she had asked someone how we were friends because there was quite a bit of an age difference. Actually the age difference is about 17 years. I was a less than surprised to realize that this is unusual for some people, but let me assure you, true friendship does not know age. As I have learned over the years, what is shared in that friendship bridges the gap.

Some of my closest and definitely my most trusted friends are at least 7 plus, years older than me. These are the ones that have never broken my trust, always been there for me anytime, day or night and never judged me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these ladies love me. They have taught me how to survive motherhood, marriage, death and even the ballpark. They have physically removed me from situations that I found myself in and tried their best to keep me on the right path and never ceased to pick me up and dust me off when I took detours along that path. While I was a young married I looked at some of these women and thought they had the perfect life. But when we became friends they weren’t afraid to show me the reality of adult life. They never let me believe they were better than me or they had all the answers. They allowed me to know their struggles and because of that, I learned from their successes and their mistakes. I won’t say I didn’t make some of the same mistakes myself, but when I did they knew. Their consistency in our friendship never wavered.

One of the most important things I have learned through their friendship is how to be a friend as an adult. Some adults still revel in teen drama in their friendships. They get mad for crazy reasons, or get their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. They either don’t know or forget what true friendship is; Knowing, trusting and believing in your friend enough to be able to not have to ask what is real. You just know! It can be forgiveness, but generally in real friendships, forgiveness is not often not necessary because you accept each other flaws and all. I have been blessed to have younger friends come into my life and desire to be the friend to them that mine have been to me. I want to always be real for them. I don’t want to present myself to them as perfect because that is false. No one is and it makes you inaccessible to some. As I have said a million times before, I believe God expects us to learn from our experiences and share them with those coming behind us.

My younger friends who have trusted in me and listened to my stories, especially my “gothic”, make that “exotic” dark haired friend are true gifts to me. What would I do with all my so called wisdom if they had not come into my lives? I don’t know that I deserve them, but I don’t think they are part of my world by accident. It’s my chance to give what was given to me and I am beyond thankful for it. Truthfully, I do think I am pretty dang wise sometimes, although I often push wisdom aside and go for fun. So thank you my wise older friends for sharing your wisdom with me. You know who you are. You know that I absolutely adore you. I cannot imagine the pile of crap my life would be without you showing me that we all trudge through crap sometimes and every now and then we might even come out with the lingering scent of it on us but there is always a friend to hold your hand, to laugh at and with you whose love is faithful.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Lately it seems I have had a bit of writer’s block. Maybe because I have been partying so much… pity partying that is. I’m growing tired of being the only guest at this party so I thought I would invite others to wallow in misery with me. I never wake up in this partying mood, but it seems as though the sun doesn’t even get to it’s brightest in the morning before someone has slapped on my pity party hat and stuck a blower, the kind that fill with spit if you aren’t careful, right between my lips and turned me from sunshine to shit.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. The holidays are upon us, pretty lights, decorations and all this happy, happy, joy, joy stuff. But I’m broke. America is broke. Like Antoine Dodson “forreal” broke. I see people everyday doing all they can to keep their homes and then realizing they are fighting a losing battle and the people that should help them. Those nice, willing people that helped them get into the home of their dreams don’t even care enough to return their phone calls now. They don’t care that these people are doing everything within their power. It’s a job they leave at 5 everyday, but to those whose calls seem to just annoy them it is lost hope and devastation 24/7. And it is people just like us. It is people who have worked for years, people with college degrees and people without, but it is good people with work ethic who have been doing all they could to keep afloat in the failing economy who just cannot fight the undertow any longer.

Life was so much easier when I was oblivious to adult problems. Even when I first became an adult I was oblivious. I didn’t realize how crushing it would be when the beautiful faces of my children who use to light up when I walked in the door became people whose basic response to general conversation is that of a grunt or nod. I didn’t know that they would walk out the door one morning and come back that afternoon unrecognizable to the point you want to shake them and scream, “Give me MY kid back!” I didn’t know it would hurt so much to allow them to totally screw up because I really cannot fix everything!

And right their lies the problem. I cannot fix it. I know I can turn it over God and in his time he will take care of every bit of it. But while I sit in the “In His Time” waiting room I don’t know what to do with myself. (And for me that is never a good thing…. “idle hands” and all.) I find myself digging deeper. If I can’t fix it, then I have this crazy need to know why it is the way it is so then maybe I can understand it. Which doesn’t seem to work well for me either because then I find out more than I needed to know and still can’t fix it. Ugh! How do people put it in God’s hands and walk away with a “oh yeah” he gave me THE prescription smile?

In discussing the holidays with a friend tonight, I stated I know I needed to be better about it to make them more special for my kids. I didn’t know it before she was gone, but I know now that it was my mother who made the holidays special. I miss my own mother so much, especially during the holidays that I haven’t learned how to do that yet. The dynamics with families after the loss of the “glue” is precarious during this time of year more than any other. And then someone goes all crazy and tries to bring in some “step” crappy stiff packing tape in place of the glue. Seriously, what are we to do with that?!

So here is what I find myself doing. Sitting up after midnight blogging because I can’t sleep, and no one wants to hear my whining. But in doing so I know, I am getting it off my chest, if only for tonight so that I can sleep. I can sleep because I know I’m probably not the only girl at a pity party for one and because I know that I am not settled in at this party. I know I can leave, I know I want to leave and soon, I will. I guess we all have to have them every so often. If you want to join my party and get it off your chest, go for it! You’ll breathe a little easier and maybe even find a smile when you are done.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy! Time to look for that prescription ; )