Victim Mentality

You saw the title and immediately someone came to mind. We all know someone who “suffers” from victim mentality or self victimization. Wikipedia defines self-victimization as the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such to justify the abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy, or attention seeking. Typical “victims” do not seem to look inside themselves to see if they could hold any responsibility for their problems or misfortunes in life. They are so intent on looking for someone to blame they fail to understand that everyone has problems at one time or another and at some point need to accept personal responsibility for the challenges life brings. It is a self centered nature that makes one believe they are the only one with challenges in their me, me, me world.



I have one friend I have known for many years. I dearly love this friend but I believe she often falls in the self-victimization pit. When I saw the description “a coping strategy” I began to wonder if this somehow centralized her victim mentality. She had several challenges growing up that had left deep scars from which major trust and jealously issues grew. She is loving and giving to many, but never feels anyone gives as much as she does. She seems to feel everyone has one foot out the door of her life. Although this has proven not to be the case, she holds onto some and pushes some away in this manner. Her mind runs away with her as thoughts of perceived wrongdoings converge in the form of idol gossip or simple misunderstandings. She seems to lack the communication skills to simply ask someone and ease her mind. The older I have become, I have grown less patient with nurturing what often seem to be endless needs of reassurance. I know many think I am cold when I say at some point you have to cut people off and truth be known, at the heart, I never could. Still, in the day to day busy lives we lead, who truly has time to baby and reassure adults who you have proven your love and trustworthiness to time and time again. At some point, is enough just not simply enough?


On the other hand we have someone who should walk around with a flashing neon sign above their head with a list of who wronged me today. She is fed by family members who enable her victim mentality constantly. The people who dare tell them another point of view or refuse to be sucked into their pit of drama are immediate enemies. Anyone who disagrees with her is against her is just another soldier in the war she fights against all that is ungodly. Her victim mentality goes so far as make her and her minions appear the sole true Christians standing against the evils of the world. Anyone who is friends or even associates with those she deems “evil” are ungodly and must be shunned by others. Because, as you know that is just what Jesus would do. I say that tongue in cheek because the ridiculousness of this behavior is the extreme side of self-victimization yet it is a behavior that has not ceased in the 14 or so years I have known this person. Numerous failed friendships, marriages and relationships have all been at the fault or indiscretion of the other party. How is that possible? How in nearly 40 years of life have you never been at fault? In every relationship there are two people. In every failed relationship, no matter what type of relationship, there are two people at fault: The one who hurt and the one who refused to forgive; the one who stayed and the one who left; the one who tried and the one who refused. This person in particular is truly mean spirited, however, she like my friend above will find people who are truly needy and will come up with grand gestures to help them, which at heart is a great thing, but what are they trying to prove, and to whom?


People who have been true victims of crimes and acts of nature such as our recent tornados are truly victims. When I was young, my family lost nearly everything to a house fire. We did not go to bed that night without clothes to sleep in, toothbrushes and every daily necessity. Being the victim of a true tragedy will create in you a heart of gratitude. We did not expect those things to be provided for us as we watched our home burn quickly to the ground. God just provided through his people. Many are so focused on what they don’t have or what people don’t do that they fail to see anything positive or good in people, so they have no true spirit of gratitude. Yes, they may throw out a thank you, but do they truly ever realize what has been done for them… that didn’t HAVE to be done. The apology didn’t HAVE to be given, the small niceties that did not HAVE to be offered. They are a grace given to you through him, yet they are too self centered to realize it because it wasn’t in the way they wanted. I have seen a sign that says “love yourself first and everything else falls into place”. Yes, I fully believe in loving myself as I have blogged about before. But to truly love yourself you have to realize and love the ways you are not perfect. No human person is. God created every single one of us equally. His word was written for every single one of us and it applies to every single one us. Yet those with victim mentality believe they are blameless which in turn makes it hard for anyone to reach out to them. It seems impossible to help someone of this nature because of their lack of an internal compass.


I wish I knew the cure for victim mentality. I don’t have the desire to look for it as in life I have known true victims and have little patience for those who perceive themselves to be one when in reality they are people God has blessed with children, family and friends, even though the majority of them may be on the internet and not truly know them. They are just too selfish to see it… and in the end that will cost them and leave them a victim, of their own making yet again.

A Letter A Day Project

I read a blog today (see the link below) where the writer suggested A Letter A Day Project.  You can read the details in her blog.  I thought of several people I could write to (some might not be nice letters) but have decided to try to tackle this project for my daughter.  It will be a good time as this time a year from now she will be three months into her first year of high school.  My mom kept prayer journals and I love going back and reading them now, some 10 years later and seeing how God answered her prayers.  I wish I could tell her today how some of these things turned out, but thankfully where she is today, she knows.  She probably knows better than I do.  So I ask you to consider this challenge, whether it be a child, a spouse, friend or parent.  Take a moment to let them know a year from now that they were on  your mind everyday.  Write on!
a-letter-day-project

Are you talking about me?

This is generally the busiest time of the year for me. My home is filled with basketballers and they cram a lot of games into a week. The more games I watch the worse my bleacher butt hurts. I find that I don’t have much me time this time of year, so I find myself surprised to be blogging again today. People just keep inspiring me though to write. I hope they don’t take that as a compliment though, because it is certainly not meant as one.



Have you ever known someone who thinks every cryptic Facebook post is about them? Or how about a teacher, preacher or speakers comments or lessons must be directed at them? We all do. I don’t know whether it is insecurity or a self-centered nature that makes one think that everything people do or say is about them. I do know what I think it is though, a major case of paranoia. It’s like the quote by Stephen Wright; “ I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.”


Not too long ago, I was sent a link and at the bottom of it someone had posted what seemed to be a harmless comment. Another person sharply replied in a hateful tone words that made them look like nothing less than a complete ass. I didn’t realize it at first until it was pointed out to me that the ass obviously thought I had made the original comment. I didn’t. But their victim mentality automatically made them lash out at an innocent person. Now, I won’t say I wasn’t a bit amused by this although, I am sure her comment was meant to upset me. Honestly, sometimes paranoid and obsessed people are just downright entertaining.


It’s the “I hate drama” people of the world. Those who talk incessantly about how they hate it yet look for it in every corner of the internet, in every spoken or unspoken word. The “are you mad at me” people… those who forget that sometimes people are too busy to call, too preoccupied with the gazillion things on their mind to notice you standing near and don’t speak, so they assume you don’t like them or are mad at them over something and pout about it for months or longer. Like I said, I don’t know if it is insecurity or self-centeredness but to those people I say, get over yourself. Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself, or pointing your victim fingers at others trying to make others agree with you or join your they did me wrong crusade. It is truly a complete waste of time to tie yourself all up in knots worrying and searching out who could possibly do you wrong next or if everything you read or hear is about is about you. It may be, it may not be. If you have to wonder if it's about you some other person with your disorder is worrying the same thing.  Does it truly make a difference in your tomorrow?  Trust me tomorrow, someone else may post something that may or may not be about you.... 

Until then keep your paranoid wheels spinning or seek some much needed help.

A Charitable Heart?

Back in the good old 80’s our youth Sunday school classes were allowed to paint and decorate our walls. I remember going through lyrics, scripture and quotes for what we wanted to paint on our walls. We came across a lyric in a song called “Pursuit of the Dream” by Michael W. Smith. I still have the quote written on heart stationary in my purple pen tucked away in my bible. It reads “It’s not just what you do; it’s what you do it for- and who.”

My parents have always had very giving spirits. I remember my dad giving his car to a homeless man once who had just found a job so that he would have a way to get there. I didn’t say he let him borrow it. He GAVE it to him! Title transferred and keys handed over. We thought he was crazy, but that is just who he is. He didn’t tell us, we just asked one day if he sold the caddie and mom said he gave it to one of the guys. He didn’t want a reward or kudos, he just did what he felt God leading him to do. That is what a giving heart does. It generally isn’t a well thought plan, it is a moment of seeing a need and responding, because that is who you are. It’s not a production, it’s a way you live your life. There are so many people who live their life in this manner, they just act in the most humble way possible because it is natural for them.


As with scripture, I think this lyric can take on a different meaning to different people. For me, I think it speaks of selflessness in our actions for those in need, but more importantly the small selfless acts we do for those closest to us. It’s those small decisions where we put others feelings first even though it may make things less comfortable for ourselves. They say charity begins at home. I don’t take this to mean giving up my lunch money for my son to buy gas to go to see his girlfriend. To me, it means going to a function knowing I will be surrounded by people who, as my son says “aren’t my people” because my husband or children want to go. It means biting my tongue, when I want to bite someone’s head off for hurting my child and letting them handle it. It means, eating chicken fingers in a Mexican restaurant because everyone else wanted to eat there but you. It means sacrificing the me, me, me wants and compromising for those you love.


How can you feel so good about your grand gestures of charity when you can’t summon up charity for those closest to you? How can you walk by family or life-long friends you are upset with and not acknowledge them on your way to pick up Christmas dinner for a needy family? How can you keep your child from a sport they love because you just don’t like the coach but yet put money in a love offering for another child to play? How can you reach out to anyone and that truly be your heart when we so selfishly hurt our own because of our own personal demons?


Christmas is considered the most wonderful time of the year because of the spirit of giving. What good is a material gift when holding the most selfless gifts hostage?