Wednesday, October 5, 2011

After The Will is Read, Who Gets the Good Stuff?

We’ve all had days where we wake up thankful for another day and then something happens, and then another something happens and your day has gone from sunshine to shit without warning. Some people crumble beneath the load, others somehow let it just pile up and yet still manage to keep their head slightly above it.

I have felt up to my neck in bs for the past two days and in times like these I wonder where the strength and perseverance come from. I know from past experience that God has carried me through many a storm and I know that he will always do that for no other reason than he truly loves me. Yet, this month not only being Breast Cancer Awareness month, but the anniversary of my mom losing the battle against cancer, I find myself thinking about how my mom is still carrying me. My mom had many amazing qualities that I see so much more clearly since I cannot see her. I began to wonder if when the ones we love leave their earthly homes for their heavenly ones where they want and need for nothing, are we somehow gifted with those qualities they possessed to help us survive without them? After the will is read, who gets the really good stuff?

My dad who had a charitable heart to begin with seems to have received my mom’s charitable qualities, as that can help explain him marrying into the family he did after my mom’s death. My brother, always full of enthusiasm and ideas must have had those traits increased after my mom’s similar traits were no longer needed. And I, no doubt, was blessed with her strength and ability to steady the course no matter how many pothole filled roads I travel. Thank you God for giving me that part of her ; and thank you Mom for having such an abundance of it. My mother fine tuned her strength well in her 60 years on this earth. Losing people so vital in your life changes you. Anyone who has been there can tell you that and the one positive in living life without my mom beside me is the changes it made in me. Since losing her, I feel as though I see people and the world around me more clearly. I am more likely to stop and think of how to handle a situation than to just attack it. Seems like I still screw that one up a good bit, but the hindsight is 20/20 now, and I can see the whole picture and not just my side of it.

Truth is my mom was a great lady, but I am not her. In fact those closest to me would tell you I have more physical likenesses with her than common personality traits. I don’t want to be my mom I want to be me. Just me, thankful for the parts of my mom in me that I recognize as pieces of her regardless of what anyone else sees. Even though she’s not physically with me, she’s still taking care of me, nurturing the parts of me that need growth and wisdom. Guess it’s true, we’ll always need our mamas.