Thursday, July 29, 2010


We have all come across people in our lives whom we’d quite honestly like to punch right in the face. If I had any doubt the people I want to pop would press charges I’d be slinging fist left and right some days. I know it’s wrong but once or twice I didn’t think about the consequences I just popped a deserving soul right in the smacker. I liked it. It felt good. Let me share…

Once upon a time there was a teenager (me) who was friends with a crazy older teenager (baby talker) who was filled with jealousy and insecurity as a result of being born to an absolutely psycho, ho-bag mother. Usually they were friends, but if younger friend did anything crazy older friend didn’t like (insert “Psycho” theme song here) drama ensued. I have always been one that will take crap from only so long before I am done. As always happens “done” came sooner than later. Fast forward to a good five or six years worth of drama (i.e. attempted boyfriend theft, badgering, that petty look what were doing and you’re not thing,) it went on and on even past one of us getting married. That would be me. It took that nutcase until past childbearing years to find someone crazy enough to marry her. Alas, he too is an odd one. Anyway, I run into her one day while dining with my hubby. I was “grown” so to speak and had enough, so the sound of her baby talking voice to my hubby was like daggers to my ears. I mimicked it. Loudly. And here she came with all her foolish confidence and got right in my face, in the middle of a busy restaurant. She made a comment and somewhere deep inside me the tolerance branch snapped and I bitch-slapped that twit right across the face. She never knew it was coming. Had the other patrons known her I am sure they would’ve given me a standing ovation, much as those in my community did when word got around. Even our preacher couldn’t help but snicker when I said “Bro. I don’t know what happened, but the devil picked my hand up and put it right across her face!” He replied, “Sweetie, I know them, it could’ve been the Lord!” Can I get an Amen?!

I’ve always been a girly-girl so I am not sure where this desire for aggressiveness is rooted, but I can’t help it. I can think of a handful of people right now that I would just love to punch right in the smacker. Note that over the years it has gone from a simple bitch-slap across the face to a full fisted knuckle punch. Pick yourself off the ground knuckle punch at that!! Line ‘em up at let ‘em have it! I have a list: 1) the sawed off little gossipy ballpark bitch. 2) The constantly complain about everything neighborhood bitch. 3) The shit-stirring, bright-eyed, fat, Ms. “Who Me?” fake innocence bitch. As well as the 4) My children are little shits, but instead of disciplining them, I will wait on yours to screw up so I can be all up in your business bitch. I could go on, but due to my fear of appearing bitter, I will stop.

I think one day when I am old, I am going to put on a ski mask and secretly go out and jump out of the dark like a member of the SWAT Team and get every last one of them, just for fun! Oh and it will be fun! Who wants to join in or at least be in charge of my bail fund?

So tell me who’s on your list of “I’d like to knock the hell out of…?”

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Lessons from my 30's (Part 1 - Couple Friends)

In my neck of the woods a lot of people, especially those in their 30s it seems like to gather together to watch football, fights, play cards or what have you. In reality this is usually code for come over and lets drink a few. I have participated in this more than once and almost every time that little angel on my shoulder whispered "not the best idea", but as usual the little devil was a little louder. Now don't get me wrong, I had fun and was never ever a wallflower. And every now and then I would probably load up and go again but it's just not as much fun as it used to be.

The lesson I learned by taking part in, as well as sitting back watching and listening to stories from these gatherings (because NOTHING IS PRIVATE PEOPLE) is that too much of that kind of fun in mixed company is dangerous. It is dangerous to your relationships with your friends and your spouse. When people let their guard down, especially in the way alcohol can allow you to do, they show a side to themselves that most don't see day in and day out and to some that side is pretty dang attractive. And there the seed is planted.

Take these ingredients:

1 - Hot day at the ballpark
2 - Grandparents willing to take the kids to spend the night
3 - Cases of Beer
2 - Bottles of Jager
3 - Bottles of Wine
10/12 - 30-somethings of mixed gender and personality
4 - of those who are irritated at their spouse
1 - stereo with music to get you moving
6 - wives who want to dance
8 - husbands who don't
10 - horny husbands
8 - wives who hate it for them
0 - strangers in a bar to unite you in freak watching

Mix them all together and throw them into one couple's home. You have just made a good batch of potential trouble. The "Done" signal might not go off in the oven immediately, but the oven's on preheat somewhere.

Since I am the queen of different viewpoints, I know this is not always the case and it's obviously just an opinion I have formed over time. I have stories to back up this theory, or lesson as I have deemed it. I am sure you have them as well. But as lessons go, they are meant to teach you something. What they taught me is I that the times to participate in these were lost when I looked around and my children were older and my friends children were older and they were watching. So was everyone else. How did I feel about what they were saying they saw? Did I care what people thought? Yes! And exactly when the heck did that happen?? In my 30's! I cared because it reflected on my children. And the gossip that stems from these situations is like the Rumor Weed in the old Vegi-Tales kids movies. The weeds are just too fast and furious to control. When it comes down to it, they are just too hard to fight and totally not worth it. Life throws enough battles, why create more for ourselves?

As I have said before I am full of good advice that I don't heed. My life is full of daily battles that I hide well, to some at least. Still the desire is always there to keep someone from repeating your mistakes and the only way to do that is to share your life, flaws and all with the girlfriends you love.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

30('s) Rock

Ten years ago I found my 20’s coming to an end and I freaked. I made appointments with my ophthalmologist, gynecologist, dermatologist and cosmetologist. I thought I was about to be old and life, as I knew it was coming to an end. And well, it was. I just didn’t know it was going to get even better. I can’t sum up the 30’s in one blog post so I hope you are ready to chime in and keep reading.

I can only speak for myself but my 20’s were spent trying to be the perfect little wife and mommy in my Sam & Libby flats, jumpers and big ‘ol hair bows. I was trying to be what I thought most of the women I looked up to were. I didn’t notice their struggles, their flaws and more importantly who they really were. I saw their perfectly decorated homes, their “Junior’s Mom” baseball t-shirts, their crafty little gifts for teachers and their Godly way of reaching out to the younger generations. Of course, while I was admiring them and trying to appear to have it altogether, I was hiding beer or wine coolers in the bottom of the grocery cart in case I ran into “church folk”. Of course, this is just an example of me caring more about others perceptions of me because I didn’t know just who “me” was yet.

Today I walked out of the grocery store with milk and cereal in one hand and Bud Light in the other. Today I am not ashamed that I like to have a drink or three every now and then. I know what I believe now and how it lines up with my beliefs as a Christian. I know “me”. I like “me” and have been given many opportunities in my 30’s to learn just who I am and what I think. I am still learning the best ways to express both those things, but one thing is for sure, I am not ashamed of either. That is a gift of the 30’s.

The wonderful, fabulous 30’s; when I was my skinniest and close to my fattest; when I was loved and hated by the same people so often I learned how sparingly trust should be gifted. I got tattooed, throwing up drunk and carelessly sang and danced in front of strangers. I discovered sometimes moods need meds. I watched my mother leave this life for the heavenly one she longed for. I lost two of the best friends of my life, as they died way too young, and several others from my childhood. I buried the last of my grandparents. I changed careers, communities, churches and hair colors. My babies grew from toddlers to teens and have loved me more than they’ve hated me. My marriage was a rollercoaster at times, and at others a wonderful ride on the lazy river.

I lived. I laughed. I loved. I learned.

So far in my 30’s I have had the greatest sex of my life! I have with great pleasure, told more than one bitch exactly what I thought of them. I’ve bitten my tongue when I needed to. I have faced fears. I have tried funky foods. I have danced in the rain. I have skinny-dipped. I have finally done enough damage to my skin that I got a tan! I’ve accomplished a dream and I’ve walked away from it. I’ve learned to apologize, to forgive and to walk away. I’ve learned to not even waste my time. I’ve fought. I’ve won and I’ve lost.

C.S. Lewis said “Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.” The thirties have been strange, but strangely beautiful. No matter how many tears I have shed thus far in my 30’s the laughter; love and lessons were worth every single one of them. One of the most important lessons has been what a gift sleep is. I will embrace that gift and share more on this defining decade later. In the meantime, I would love to read your feelings on being 30 something… whether it’s in the future, past or present.

XOXO… You know you love me!
(So ready for Gossip Girl to come back on.)