Friday, August 6, 2010

Lessons from my 30's (Part 2 - Dealing With Death)

During my 30's I would like to say I learned a good bit about dealing with death. Truthfully though, I didn't learn a whole lot more than it happens and it hurts like hell when you lose someone you love. Before my 30's my only real experience with death was that of one grandparent and a few friends in my teen years. It is true that death is easier to deal with as a child as we most definitely are more resilient. In my 30's though, I lost all my remaining grandparents, a parent, two best friends and a couple of friends since childhood. The pain of losing a parent is the hardest of those, but the others, as with most all deaths leave you with a dark cloud following you that on most days you can stay a few steps ahead of, but every now and then that cloud is on top of you... and with it comes the rain.

This week, I ran into the mother of one of those childhood friends I'd lost in WalMart, of course. We stood in the front of the store and talked for what seemed like an hour and even teared up a few times. We compared our losses to that of losing a limb, specifically a leg. You learn to walk without it, but never without the effect of the loss being evident in nearly every aspect of your life. Some of those effects I believe are not necessarily bad ones. You learn not to take life for granted and more importantly not to take your loved ones for granted. You learn what you will and what you won't spend your time putting up with. You decide who deserves a little more of you and who and what you are wasting your time on. Death can leave you bitter, if you let it. But it shouldn't. The emptiness left behind can never be filled but in can be recognized in others. My only experience in the loss of immediate family is that of a grown child who has lost a parent. So many who had experienced the same loss recognized the various feelings I was dealing with reached out to me in the way that only they could. They were my anchors.

So, in retrospect, I did learn. I learned I wasn't alone, although your loss may not be of the same person, so many of the feelings were the same and eventually you do want to share them usually with someone who understands them. People who haven't faced that loss may view you as "not getting past it" and pitying you. They don't understand what to expect from you. People who have just know. Again, that is why women and in this case men too, should share with others. Your story could be what they need to hear.

One thing I will never understand though is how someone can get through it without a Christian foundation. I know when people read a lot of my posts they have to wonder about me. I know my language and actions many times do not glorify God. It is a constant struggle to combine all of me into a person that doesn't make God look down and just shake his head with a deep sigh. But I know he loves me! I know he carried me through each loss. Knowing he was the one who welcomed my loved ones with open arms to the the most beautiful place ever is what makes me smile through my tears. How can you smile through the loss if that is a picture you are unable to fathom? How can one believe after death there is nothing else? Why would God give us all this beauty and joy on earth just to be done when our mind and body is? I've seen beautiful evidence of God in his people when life begins and when life ends. His grace is my lifeline of survival. I am thankful I have never learned what life is like without it.

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