Bitch-Slapped!!

We have all come across people in our lives whom we’d quite honestly like to punch right in the face. If I had any doubt the people I want to pop would press charges I’d be slinging fist left and right some days. I know it’s wrong but once or twice I didn’t think about the consequences I just popped a deserving soul right in the smacker. I liked it. It felt good. Let me share…

Once upon a time there was a teenager (me) who was friends with a crazy older teenager (baby talker) who was filled with jealousy and insecurity as a result of being born to an absolutely psycho, ho-bag mother. Usually they were friends, but if younger friend did anything crazy older friend didn’t like (insert “Psycho” theme song here) drama ensued. I have always been one that will take crap from only so long before I am done. As always happens “done” came sooner than later. Fast forward to a good five or six years worth of drama (i.e. attempted boyfriend theft, badgering, that petty look what were doing and you’re not thing,) it went on and on even past one of us getting married. That would be me. It took that nutcase until past childbearing years to find someone crazy enough to marry her. Alas, he too is an odd one. Anyway, I run into her one day while dining with my hubby. I was “grown” so to speak and had enough, so the sound of her baby talking voice to my hubby was like daggers to my ears. I mimicked it. Loudly. And here she came with all her foolish confidence and got right in my face, in the middle of a busy restaurant. She made a comment and somewhere deep inside me the tolerance branch snapped and I bitch-slapped that twit right across the face. She never knew it was coming. Had the other patrons known her I am sure they would’ve given me a standing ovation, much as those in my community did when word got around. Even our preacher couldn’t help but snicker when I said “Bro. I don’t know what happened, but the devil picked my hand up and put it right across her face!” He replied, “Sweetie, I know them, it could’ve been the Lord!” Can I get an Amen?!

I’ve always been a girly-girl so I am not sure where this desire for aggressiveness is rooted, but I can’t help it. I can think of a handful of people right now that I would just love to punch right in the smacker. Note that over the years it has gone from a simple bitch-slap across the face to a full fisted knuckle punch. Pick yourself off the ground knuckle punch at that!! Line ‘em up at let ‘em have it! I have a list: 1) the sawed off little gossipy ballpark bitch. 2) The constantly complain about everything neighborhood bitch. 3) The shit-stirring, bright-eyed, fat, Ms. “Who Me?” fake innocence bitch. As well as the 4) My children are little shits, but instead of disciplining them, I will wait on yours to screw up so I can be all up in your business bitch. I could go on, but due to my fear of appearing bitter, I will stop.

I think one day when I am old, I am going to put on a ski mask and secretly go out and jump out of the dark like a member of the SWAT Team and get every last one of them, just for fun! Oh and it will be fun! Who wants to join in or at least be in charge of my bail fund?

So tell me who’s on your list of “I’d like to knock the hell out of…?”