Speaking of unpretty...

Have you ever gotten ready to go out and did that double take and thought "yeah, I'm cute. I look good today." You go out about your day and here comes a man (in my case, usually either old or black) flirting with you. He's no Ashton Kutcher, he's more of a Randy Quaid. And you wonder to yourself, am I not as cute as I think I am that he thinks I am in his league? You have to wonder why women have so many confidence issues and most men have no issue whatsoever. Yet, they should!


Not so long ago, I was walking out of a weight clinic thanks to my every increasing butt girth. A guy, not too old, but black, of course (they love my ghetto booty) said "girl, you know you look good." Excuse me?? "Girl, you know you look gooood". Um, moron. I'm walking out of a weight clinic with drugs in my hand. Obviously, I don't know I look gooood and being told by you hasn't helped that any. Yes, I said that. Yes, I'm a bitch. No, I didn't care. Then about a week later I begin to wonder about this guy that keeps coming back by my office, which is not one you pass by. If you come to my office, it is for a purpose. He's all chatty and friendly. He's old. His oldest kid is 6 years younger than me. He tries to impress me with a story of some expensive shoes he bought. (This is definitely a new one... and one you might think would draw me in. Buy those expensive shoes for me, then maybe. But for yourself? Ummm, no.) He tells me I am "striking". I am getting a little uncomfortable now and say thanks, but not a whole lot more. He seems to get the picture and leaves. Leaves me feeling less striking and more aged.


I guess men just think, what's it hurt to try. Why does it hurt my ego more than theirs? Ok, who am I kidding? My ego is just fine. But still it's like the tongue thing. You know the tongue thing from Thelma & Louise that causes Louise to blow perverted tongue guy's big oil rig up. I would like to know since men learned to play a woman's harmonica (oral sex, ladies)has a man with his tongue wagging out of his mouth suggesting his harmonica playing abilities ever turned a woman on. Has any woman ever said to a man "hey you lick the air so well, you wanna give me a go?" I can't imagine one ever has. It is disgusting. Or how about this one. Your kissing and making out, then they take your hand and put it on their package (covered or not). Hello dumbass! If I had wanted my hand there, I'd have put it there. Do you think it makes me more excited? Hell, I knew you were hard by the way you kissed me, give me time and I will get there, I don't need you to show me what I am in for... in some cases what you are in for is disappointment. Which leads me to "sharpie lid".


Arrogant guys are the biggest turn-off to me. I knew one that was so very full of himself and walked around like he was hung like a freakin' mule. One night at a party, where a bit of drinking commenced, he decided it was a good time to give me a hug; a really close, tight hug. And there it was a little poke at my leg. The hug was so long I had a moment to think about what that could be. There was no reason, for him to have a sharpie marker and seemingly he didn't because I felt as if I was being poked with just the lid of the sharpie. Hard enough, that it didn't move, as a sharpie lid in a pocket would. Sure enough, I came to the conclusion, and yes, told all my friends that mister I am so wonderful, did in fact have a penis the size of a sharpie cap. All that size doesn't matter and it's not the size of the ocean it's the motion... Pure bullshit. A wise man would know the way to make up for this is not to walk around like a pompous ass. It is to fine tune your harmonica skills.


So now that I have shared a couple of men are idiot stories with you, it's your turn. I know you have them...

Unpretty

As you know, I am new to this blogging thing and never wanted to start blogging until I could have a pretty one. When I post a blog on my home computer it looks good. Then I find out when others are pulling it up on different computers the words are running across the page. I have tried to fix this. When I do, the words no longer run across the page which is the purpose, I know. However, they are no longer pink and now they are in a boring, unpretty font. This I cannot figure out how to fix and it frustrates me and makes me not want to do it if it's not the way I want it. Yes, I am having a princess moment.

I am going to keep going though and keep trying to figure it out, but if anyone knows how to fix this or has any suggestions let me know! In the meantime that old TLC song about being "so damn unpretty" will be haunting me.

You're the reason your kids are stupid

“Guh, I luh ew!” What the crap?! How about I would rather you not “luh” me because it sounds like something I’d need an ointment for. You would think you would see comments like this on a child’s Facebook page, but these my friends are comments of seemingly sensible adults. Here are a few samples of post I have ripped off while Facebook stalking:

“Dang guh. Sounds like u had a crazy weekend. Glad all is ok. Luh u!”

“good night be sweets friend in the whole wide world!! ILY foreva!!!”

“I deal wit em erreday!”

“I lurves you!!!”

“Hey sexy!!! Thank u!!! I have several beerz for u!!! Kissz”

“That's crazy bunch of guhs!”

Seriously, these are self-supporting grown-ups. Probably even the one’s who send out “press one for English” emails. These are people raising children and helping them with homework. So it’s no wonder that their children cannot spell. I know this may just be a personal pet peeve of mine but I hate this crap! The teenagers I know don’t even talk or write like this, so what the heck is wrong with you?!? For the record every single one of these comments were posted by someone either divorced or single. My guess would be it’s because they are idiots. Nuff said guhs… peace out.

Whatever.

Cheater, Cheater

My first real job working with male & female “grown-ups” was when I was 20 years old. I learned A LOT from those people. They didn’t know it but they tainted so many of my early images of the perfect life I believed awaited me. These are the first people who told me “all men cheat”. I argued that all men do not cheat and believe that to this day. All men don’t, but A LOT do. I remember saying “all men don’t but you saying that means you would”… and he did. We would watch as he went one way to the elevators then a few minutes later she would go another way to the elevators (or stairs and get the elevator on the floor below). We’d give them time to get to the bottom floor and then watch through a window as they would go every afternoon for yogurt. Then there were the days they would both go to the YMCA to work out… for a long time. You could also see them in her car after these workouts. I loved both these people and have never been one to judge but that was my first glimpse of an affair. Twenty years later he is still married to the same woman he was then, the female however, has long been divorced and seen her life change in ways she never would’ve imagined in the few years before I met her.

In Sex & the City 2 (spoiler alert!) Carrie & old flame, Aiden share an “unexpected” kiss. Really, who didn’t expect it? From the moment they saw each other that attraction was there. She knew she shouldn’t, but couldn’t resist meeting him for dinner to catch up. Sure it sounds innocent and we all want to believe that we can catch up with an old flame without any residual feelings but can we? Unless they have become a complete loser and sometimes even if they have. We still want to look good to them; we still want them to think “damn!”. and then we want to walk away leaving them with little more than a fantasy to hang on to. But Carrie kissed him and then ran away with immediate remorse and called all her Louboutin loving ladies together for a powwow advice session. To tell or not to tell? All the girls agreed with me… No, don’t tell. She told, Big was upset but of course came back in the end with a diamond and declarations of love and promises of a married life never to be boring. Yep, only in the movies. Would you tell? Do you fall on the side of live with the guilt yourself or put it on your partner to live with as well? Many have first hand experience and there are lots of opinions.

Without getting into a moral discussion, because we all know it is morally wrong, yet many, in fact I’d say almost every friend that I am close enough to discuss such things with has been faced with the spoken or unspoken opportunity to test the waters with a man who “is not her own”. Most women have “the other one”. The man they could’ve/would’ve been with at some point in their life had circumstances been different (you’re thinking of him now, aren’t you?). And if they don’t, they are either lying or ugly… and I tend to believe lying, because I have seen some ugly cheaters. So ugly you can’t believe one person wanted to sleep with them, much less two. Still, it may not be someone before they were married, but someone they meet after. Attraction is a chemical thing; we don’t know what attracts people to each other (sometimes to the point of WTH were they thinking?!?). It happens and sometimes you realize it too late and the thoughts have already crossed your mind. The actions are for you to decide on. We beat ourselves up about it, but not as much as other women beat us up about it. Yet it is one of those things women judge each other for instead of admitting their own fears because saying it out loud gives it life. Again, it’s not a moral discussion; it’s a discussion that is personal to many that judgments should be left out of…. in this forum anyway.

So, this is another reason for anonymity. Even with what I have said here, many will judge that I speak from personal experience. I do… my personal experiences and the personal experiences of many who have confided in me. And many who haven’t yet their stories are out there either from the lips of others or given away by themselves unknowingly. I know now, what I didn’t know in my 20’s and even early 30’s when you see a potentially hazardous situation, and temptation is definitely hazardous, to run like hell! Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a timely affair or even a sexual relationship. But the seemingly innocent situation that becomes more than you expected, even though floating in the back of your mind the whole time. Don’t play with that fire because you will get burned. And when you do, do you tell? Not asking for advice here because I know my answer. I just like to hear others. Be honest, if you dare. Have you ever found yourself in that “oh crap” moment? Did you run? Did you run too late? Whom did you confide in? And again, to confess or not?

Getting my crap together...

I was told today that a blog cannot be once a week and I “need to get this shit together”. This is true and I apologize for starting and then leaving you hanging while I survived a crappy week.

In regards to my flippin’ uterus, I was good. No need to flip anything inside. Doc told me of another patient who was about 400 lbs. In some crazy me kind of way, I took this to say, “You win, your efforts in looking better than some women that come in here are appreciated”. How I got that from our discussion, I don’t know, but just let me have it, alright? We discussed my weight, after I prompted. He encouraged “Weight Watchers”. Screw that. Went to a weight clinic two days later and got a little help in a bottle with a kid proof cap. I did get hit on while there by a black garbage collector. That is a sure sign my ghetto booty is back along with all with a bunch of other junk I don’t want in my trunk.

I’m loving the gyno stories!! I see a blog in the future for us to discuss the lovely little nipple bumps that add to the destruction brought on by age and breastfeeding of our breasts. That for the record seems to turn no one off but us. Sick world we live in.

I promise to do better this week. What has been on my mind is not a humorous thing but a woman thing. But as the great Carrie Bradshaw says “it’s really hard to walk in a woman’s shoes so every now and then you need special ones; to make the walk a little more fun”. Shoes and girlfriends (even blog friends) that are real have made my walk, even when stepping in a shitload of trouble… a little more fun.